A Compass Points Exclusive:
The Big Island Driver
A Compass Points Satire Story
With a smile, the High Tech Golf Pro removed Joe’s driver from his bag.
“Does this work for you?”
“Works great,” said Joe. “It’s reliable and I get good distance.”
“You are going beyond just good distance, Joe. You will get tremendous distance now, distance you never dreamed of. The Big Island Driver is going to transform your game.”
The High Tech Golf Pro held up Joe’s club with two hands horizontally. He looked at Joe for just a second. Then with a confident smile and a quick snap, he broke the club over his knee.
“You won’t need that old club anymore.” He tossed the broken club on the ground.
Joe just stared in astonishment.
.
But we are getting ahead of the story.
Just a few months before, Joe had been living a good, ordinary life.
Joe is a Marine Corps officer and an avid golfer. Whether in uniform or while playing golf, Joe is savvy. Joe can never be fooled.
Or can he?
There are hucksters on the fringes of every golf course. Joe knows that. The hucksters often do not even play golf. They just take advantage of golfers’ fears and frustrations. Golfers want to improve their game. They want to be better. Technology is always changing. It is important to always stay up to date.
In trying to stay up to date, unfortunately, sometimes a golfer will reach for a shiny solution peddled by some huckster. The shiny solution that promises easy, amazing results often turns out to be nothing but a distraction and a dead end. The golfer is left back where he started, working to improve his game - club by club, situation by situation.
Joe is a very capable golfer. Over the years, he has practiced, worked, trained, and improved his game. When he steps to the first tee, his long game is powerful. From the fairway he is skilled and reliable. When things get difficult, he is at his best. He is fearless, battling his way out of even the thickest rough. Even when deep in the sand, he always fights his way out. It is his short game, though, where he is at his best. He uses a constantly changing combination of clubs, depending on the terrain, the wind, the weather. His nine iron, sand wedge, pitching wedge, and putter are all tools in the hands of a master craftsman.
Still, Joe wants to be better. He longs for the jump in performance. Was that even possible? Joe began to hear the whispers. Whispers from people who supposedly were experts. Whispers about the High Tech Golf Pro.
“He will transform your game,” one said.
“He takes things to a whole new level,” said another.
“There’s no way to get an appointment and he is very demanding. You have to promise to follow his whole, new approach.”
“There are no secrets like that,” thought Joe. “I’ve played. I know.”
Still, it gnawed at him. Maybe there was a secret he did not know. Maybe the High Tech Golf Pro was the answer.
Then one night Joe could not sleep. He finally got up and went for a drive. Aimlessly, he drove around. Without planning to, he began to head toward the driving range.
When he realized what he was doing, he thought, “I’ve got my clubs in back. Maybe I’ll hit a few.” But he knew the driving range was closed.
When he got to the driving range, he pulled into the empty parking lot. He sat for a while, just thinking.
Just as he was about to leave, a huge bus pulled into the parking lot. It was brightly lit and so modern it looked like a spaceship. Along the side of the bus, in large letters it said, “High Tech Golf Pro & Traveling Circus.”
Joe got out of his car and approached the bus. The bus door slowly opened with a pneumatic hiss. A tall, slender man with a confident smile stepped from the bus.
“Are you the High Tech Golf Pro?” asked Joe.
“Yes. And you must be Joe the Marine.”
“How do you know my name? And what are you doing here?”
“Are you sure I am here? Maybe it is just a dream.”
“You seem real. Could you give me a golf lesson?”
“I’m not sure Joe,” said the High Tech Golf Pro. “Are you sure you are ready?”
“I am ready. I am ready for anything.”
“If you are sure, just sign this Non-Disclosure Agreement,” said the High Tech Golf Pro producing a thick stack of papers. “You can never tell anyone what we discuss, and you have to go along with whatever I say.”
“Yes, absolutely,” said Joe as he quickly signed. “Whatever you say.”
“The Big Island Driver is the answer to all your problems. It will give you greater distance and a whole new game.”
Joe just nodded and listened.
“Let’s take a look at the clubs you are using now.”
Joe got his bag of clubs from his car and brought them over and stood them in front of the High Tech Golf Pro.
He looked over the clubs and pulled out Joe’s driver.
This is where the High Tech Golf Pro took Joe’s driver and broke it across his knee.
Joe just stared in astonishment.
The High Tech Golf Pro took another club and asked Joe, “This is your artillery club right?” He broke it across his knee and threw down the two pieces. “The Big Island Driver will replace that.”
Next, the High Tech Golf Pro took out the armor club and broke it in two.
“The Big Island Driver will replace my armor club?”
“That’s right Joe. The answer to everything is the Big Island Driver.”
One by one, the High Tech Golf Pro went through Joe’s bag. And one by one, he broke the aviation club, amphib lift club, the bridging club, the Maritime Prepositioning Force club, the infantry club, and even the ethos and esprit club.
Finally, the High Tech Golf Pro picked up the few remaining clubs, the clubs for the close game: the nine iron, pitching wedge, sand wedge, and putter.
“Wait a minute,” said Joe. “The Big Island Driver cannot take care of the short game too. It is only for long range.”
“You worry too much,” said the High Tech Golf Pro and he broke all the clubs for the close game too.
With everything broken, Joe looked at the High Tech Golf Pro and said, “Okay. Give me the Big Island Driver. I’ll give it a try.”
The High Tech Golf Pro looked at Joe sadly and shook his head.
“You are so naïve, Joe. The Big Island Driver does not exist. It is just a theory.”
With that, the High Tech Golf Pro turned and started to get back on the gleaming bus.
“Has this all been just a dream?” asked Joe as the High Tech Golf Pro climbed back onto the bus.
The High Tech Golf Pro looked back over his shoulder at Joe and gave him one last smile.
“It’s not a dream, Joe. It’s a nightmare.”
The High Tech Golf Pro drove off into the night, leaving Joe the Marine standing in the dark with nothing but an empty bag and a collection of broken clubs.
© 2032 JDK
Although I don't play golf I know a little bit about it and have mucho friends who do play. But I get it! Brilliant satire. We are in dark stormy waters and the path ahead is anything but well lit and it seems to be littered with many, many broken golf clubs of all types. God help us......and fast!
Good analogy. Sure would piss off some golfer and some Marines.